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Long Island Educational Corner
With Carol Bottstein, M.S. Ed.
School Psychologist

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Dear Neighbor,

My name is Carol Bottstein, and I am a special education school psychologist with over 20 years experience.  I will be glad to answer any type of questions you may have regarding educational issues, parenting techniques, and other types of resources available.

Please fill out a question form below, and I will get back to you shortly.

~ Carol Bottstein 

EDITORIAL OF THE WEEK


Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Author: Carol Bottstein, School Psychologist

Talking About Death: Questions Answered
 

Death is a certainty in life.  Yet we try to protect our children from the awareness of death, perhaps because of our own fears.   We have a natural desire to be an expert and feel we know all the answers, but, in regard to death, we do not know all the answers.  There is no magic answer to relieve the pain of learning about death. It is important to be supportive as both you and your child struggle to understand death.  We must remember that children do not think as adults do.  Adults often have difficulty finding the words that children understand.

There are some significant factors to consider:
Experience- by age 6 most children have some concept of death.
Intellectual capacity- closely related to mental age.  Children must eventually understand:
1) What death is
2) There are many causes of death
3) The change form life to death is irreversible
4) Death is universal
5) My death will take place in the future


Research shows:
1) By age 18 months:  children have a concept of death (i.e.:  body doesn't move), however, they don't understand irreversibility.  They think the dead can come back to life simply because they want it to be so.

2) By age 3:  realization of death.  Most children have encountered death (nature, pets, relatives, in play) by this age.

3) By age 5:  concept of separation (most painful aspect of death for children and adults) and immobility (some children confuse sleep with death      because of immobility).

4)  By age 6:  great leap in ability to understand death - child is not as egocentric, and can reason more logically.  Children begin to understand irreversibility.

5)  By ages 5-6:  children understand causality:  that people die due to causes.  Before that they believe that death can be caused by wishing it.

6)  By ages 6-7:  beginning to understand universality, but hard to accept.

7)  By ages 6-12:   discrepancy between the beliefs of deaths of other people and their own death.  Younger children believe that certain classes of people (parents, peers) do not die, or they see their own death as only happening very far in the future.

8)  Adolescents:  are so aware of death that they act as if they are immortal.  Because they are so aware they must prove it isn't so.

Suggestions to consider:
1)  A relationship built on open, honest communication makes it O.K. to make mistakes during your talk, because you can easily clear up any misunderstandings.

2)  Listen:  give full attention to what your child is saying and what he/she means. It is not always easy to figure out what a child is trying to ask in regard to death-read between the lines.

3)  Don't force your child to talk about death at a particular time.  Assure him/her that you are there when he/she is ready. Children need time to distance themselves and deny at times.

4)  It is not always necessary to clear up all of your child's misconceptions.   Consider the age and emotional state. Use your own judgment.


 

Thank you for reading,
~ Carol Bottstein
www.carolbottstein.com

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